Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
