Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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