Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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