I want to have your abortion
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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