I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
