Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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