i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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