Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
