I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
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She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
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she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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