I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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