My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
