You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
