I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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