That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize