Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
People in love make me want to vomit
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
