He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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