Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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