my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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