I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
