i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
In America we eat man semen.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.