this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
