I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
