I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
3 2 1 whiskey
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
