he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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