ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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