I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
