Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
