I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where are you?
Hypothermia
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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