It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
