Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
