I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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