I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
