she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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