bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
