Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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