so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My penis needs a shock collar
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I pour the whiskey from now on
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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