guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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