I showed him my bush... on skype.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
