There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
