dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
