sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
