nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
