I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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