I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I am spending my child support on dildos
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
