We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
