So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
