awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
