u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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