Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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