But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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