i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
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