let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
