A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
