he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Let's get the cat blown out
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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