Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Randomize
