Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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