I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
