I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Randomize
