Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
