Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
