You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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