yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My penis needs a shock collar
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
