I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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